Sv: Humortråden

av Svullet_Rektum tor 17 mar - 12:13:54

Ok, hade nästan rätt!

"An ancient by-law still allows locals born in York to shoot Scotsmen with a bow and arrow within the city walls, if they are out after sunset. "

av Karate-Molin lör 19 mar - 12:36:03

http://dagobah.net/flash/peanut_butter.swf

Amerikan+kristen=smart!

av Svullet_Rektum lör 19 mar - 13:51:15

Hahahaha, ja. Jordnötssmörsargumentet. Puh-thetic.

av Halonen666 sön 20 mar - 9:54:26

Vilka argument hahaha

av M-Morbid sön 20 mar - 20:49:51

I en delstat i amerikanska södern är det förbjudet att ge husdjur cigaretter.

I Alaska får man inte ge älgar alkoholhaltiga drycker men det är helt tillåtet att skjuta älgar.

Sensmoral: Man vill ju ha ciggen och sponken för sig själv!

av Gäst fre 1 apr - 0:18:15

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBDpIHH4glE

av Monoliten fre 1 apr - 4:36:04

Fy fan va bra, man väntar på att någon ska dra kniv, ge en käftsmäll eller vad som helst.

av Vitus fre 1 apr - 4:44:25

den där själlösa rödhåriga och latögda jäveln alltså, hahahaha. vad fan är det med det finska folket?

av Xemtoth fre 1 apr - 8:28:54

Eviscerator skrev:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBDpIHH4glE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Laughing

av Karate-Molin fre 1 apr - 10:12:52

Vitus skrev:vad fan är det med det finska folket?

Tror det kallas för nyktert tillstånd.

av Geten fre 1 apr - 10:21:39

- Men jag gav ju dig en tusenlapp. O_O
- ... ...

av Halonen666 fre 1 apr - 15:12:19

Hahahaha stenhårt!

av **Atlas Musclecore** fre 1 apr - 22:13:51

“What are we gonna get Mom for Mother’s Day?” Dylan posed the question to his dad as he rode in the front seat of the car on his way to school. It was three days before Mother’s Day.

“Yeah, Dad what does she want”” This question came from Allison, Dylan’s 13 year old sister who rode in the back with his other two siblings, Hannah and Robbie. Dylan was the oldest of the four children.

“I don”t know,” mused Dave their father. “I think we should get her something really special this year.” This is how the discussion was left for the moment, as the kids all pondered possible gifts for their mother, Melinda.

“I know what she really wants,” Dave finally said in a more subtle voice that was directed mainly at Dylan. He knew exactly what his dad was referring to, so Dave did not need to elaborate.

“I know, Dad. Mom and I talked about it last week,” Dylan said, but for now offered no further details of the conversation with his mother.

They had arrived at the elementary school that the three younger ones attended. As they piled out of the back seat, Dylan remained in the front. His dad would drop him off next at the high school where he was in his sophomore year. “Bye, kids. Have a good day. Study hard,” Dave said to them.

Dylan and his dad rode in silence for a few minutes. Finally Dylan broke the silence. “I’ve been thinking about what Mom wants,” he offered. “Dad, I think I”m ready to try it.”

Dave thought for a minute about what his oldest son had said. “Dylan, this is not something you just try, you know,” he admonished his son. “You only get to do this once.”

“I know what you mean, Dad.” he said. “But I still feel the same. I know it means a lot to mom and I want to do it.”

Dave sighed. “OK, son. If you”re certain about this then we”ll look into it. I was looking at the sales at Home Depot and I think they have just what we need.”

And so on Saturday, Dylan and his dad were one of the first in line when Home Depot opened their doors at 7:00 am. They headed directly to the outdoor furnishings section and found exactly what they were looking for. Dave arranged to have it delivered that afternoon, while Melinda was out shopping with the girls. When it was delivered, he and Dylan hid it in the garage, planning to surprise Melinda the next morning.

On Mother’s Day morning, Dylan and his three younger siblings, still in their pajamas and robes, knocked on the door to their parents’ bedroom. Dave and Melinda were both awake, expecting a visit from their children. The three younger ones each carried a gift and a card which they presented to their mom. She opened all three gifts and was pleased to receive a new apron from Robbie, a cookbook on outdoor cooking from Hannah, and a set of out BBQ cooking utensils from Allison.

“What wonderful gifts,” she said kissing them all. These were perfect gifts for Melinda who enjoyed outdoor cooking and was renowned for her skill as a BBQ chef.

“Wait, until you see what Dylan got you,” Hannah exclaimed excitedly.

“Hold your horses, sweetie,” Dave admonished his youngest daughter. “Let”s give her my gift next.”

Dave explained that his gift was outside on the patio, where Dylan had moved it the night before after his parents went to bed. So Dave and the four kids escorted Melinda downstairs and out to the back patio where she was initially presented with the sight of a large mass covered with a blanket. Dave then walked over and pulled off the blanket to the shouts of “Happy Mothers Day” from the entire group.

What she now saw was a Zambian Deluxe Model 5500 gas BBQ grill. It was jet black, with stainless steel handles and cover. It was a full six feet in length, long enough to prepare enough food for the largest of backyard barbecue parties.

“Oh, this is so exciting,” Melinda said, as she examined the various features. It had four separately adjustable burners so that the heat could be regulated at different areas of the cooking surface. It also had two trays for smoking chips. The cooking surface consisted of a single long metal rack. “I can”t wait until we have our next barbecue so I can use it.”

“Well, you won”t have to wait long,” Dave informed her. “I’ve invited about thirty people over here for a barbecue this afternoon.”

“Thirty people! Oh my goodness,” Melinda exclaimed. “Well, then I’ve got to get busy. I’ve got to plan the menu and go to the store, and cook the food, and everything.”

“Take it easy, Mom,” Dylan assured her. “We’ve taken care of all that.”

“You have?”

“Sure,” Dave said. “You didn’t really think we”d make you do all that work on Mother’s Day, did you?”

“That’s right,” Allison said. “We went to the store and bought everything you need.”

“You guys are the greatest,” she said hugging them all. “I can”t believe you already bought all that food. Where on earth did you hide it? Especially the meat. It’s gonna take a lot to feed all those people.”

“Well, that”s the next surprise for you,” Dave told her. He turned toward Dylan who had now backed away from the group and stood facing them all.

“Mom, what is it that you told me you’ve always wanted to serve?” He asked her.

Melinda thought for a minute and then her eyes went wide at the realization of what Dylan was suggesting. As if to confirm her suspicions, Dylan started to unbutton his pajama top. He removed it and stood bare chested in front of her, giving her a moment to admire his smooth, well-formed pectorals.

Next he untied the string that held up his pajama bottoms and loosened them from around the waist. He pushed his pajamas down to his knees and let them drop to his feet. Dylan did not wear anything under his pajamas, so he now stood there naked, in front of his parents and sisters and brother.

“Surprise, Mom,” he said, extending his arms outward by his sides. “You get to cook me today.”

Her jaw dropped in disbelief. “Oh, Dylan,” she said, walking over and placing her hands on his bare shoulders. “Are you sure about this, sweetie? I know we talked about it but … ” she could not finish the sentence.

“I”m sure, Mom. I think I want this as much as you do.”

“This is by far the best Mother’s Day present I’ve ever received.” Then she looked at the rest of her family. “Thanks, all of you. This will really be a special Mother’s Day”

She took Dylan by the hand and walked over so they were standing right next to the BBQ. She ran her fingers across the smooth ceramic coating on the grill surface. “Wow, non-stick surface. You guys went to a lot of expense,” she commented.

“You wouldn’t want me to stick to the grill, would you”” Dylan said. He stared at the grill, contemplating the fact that he had just offered his body to be cooked and that before the end of the day he would be roasting on it. This concept had been in his mind for several years, ever since his mother first suggested it to him as a young boy. He had become increasingly enamored of the idea until he finally decided that it would be worth the consequences to do it. Now he was face to face with the reality and he found that this in no way diminished his conviction.

“Well, Mom. I hope you’ll always think of me as your son. But as of right now, I am primarily nothing more than the main course for today’s barbecue. So I guess you need to start preparing me, just as you would any other piece of meat.”

She stepped back and scanned the length of his nude body. His cock was already beginning to show signs of arousal. Then she hugged him again. “You’ll always be my son, Dylan and I’ll always love you. But now you are more then my son. You are a piece of prime meat and I need to get you ready.” She kissed him square on the lips. “Because, I”m gonna cook your little ass,” she added with obvious delight.

Then just to prove her sentiments, she reached around and ran her hand across his bare bottom, feeling both butt cheeks with her open palm and sliding the side of her hand into his crack. “Mmm, turn around and let your mommy get a look at your rump,” she instructed him. Dylan turned his back to her, letting her admire his full, well shaped derriere. She felt her pussy twinge at the prospect of have a lice her son’s ass on her dinner plate in a few hours.

She took him by the hand and led him back into the house. “Where”s Dylan and Mommy going?” asked Robbie.

“Can we go with them”” asked Hannah.

“No, you guys stay here,” Dave told the younger ones. “Mom needs to take Dylan upstairs and get him ready for the barbecue.”

Melinda led her son back upstairs to the master bedroom and into the bathroom. She placed several towels on the bathroom floor to act as padding against the marble tile, and then had Dylan lie on his back. She took a can of shaving creme from Dave’s medicine cabinet and squirted some around Dylan”s genital area, rubbing it into his pubic hair. Then she took Dave”s safety razor and carefully shaved the hair from Dylan”s groin. She wiped off the remnants of shaving creme and admired her handiwork. Her teenage son was now as clean shaven as he was as a young boy when she had last seen him in the nude.

“OK, ready for you shower now?” she asked. He nodded. What he saw next was completely unexpected.

She opened her robe and let it fall to the floor, revealing her completely nude body. Although now in her mid thirties, Melinda still had the body of a college co-ed, owing to her adherence to a healthy diet and a regimen of regular exercise. This fact had not gone unnoticed by Dylan, especially when he saw her in a bathing suit or a pair of shorts. He often found himself staring at her shapely legs, or nicely curved ass, or her full breasts. More than once, the sight of her had aroused him to an erection. He sometimes imagined her nude and often wondered how he would react if he actually did see her naked. And now he had the answer to this question.

His heart was pounding and his cock stood straight out, swollen to a full eight inch length. Melinda smiled, impressed by the sight of her son. She held her hand out beckoning him to follow her. He took her hand and she led him to the shower. She turned on the water and adjusted it until the temperature was just right. Then mother and son stepped into the shower together and began to lather each other up.

They took turns exploring each other, allowing their hands to glide freely across their skin, slippery with soap. Dylan love the way his Mother’s breasts could appear so firm and yet feel so soft to the touch. He ran his fingers along her labia, touching her slit with his fingertips. He remarked how easily his finger was able to slide into her vagina, lubricated by her juices.

She made him turn around and bend over slightly so she could soap up his ass. Her hand wandered across his buttocks. She felt his crack with her middle finger, working her way toward his ass hole. He felt her finger slide deep into his ass. She fucked him anally with her finger. With her other hand she reached around and stroked his shaft. She kissed him on the neck and whispered in his ear. “Oh, Dylan. You”re such a hot stud. I can’t believe that you’ve got your mommy so turned on.”

“Mmmm. I can”t wait to watch you roast, Dylan. I”m gonna cook you today. Then I”m gonna eat you up. Ooooh, I”m gonna eat my little boy. Oh, Dylan I could just swallow you whole right now.” He turned back around and they wrapped each other in their arms and kissed. He felt her ass, rubbing her tight crack the same way she had done to him.

They finished their shower and stepped out and dried off. She led him back over to the bed and they sat together on the edge. “Dylan, I”m so happy you’re willing to do this for me,” she said. They kissed again, even more passionately. Dylan felt his Mother’s tongue in his mouth. Melinda lay down on her side and Dylan felt himself being pulled down onto the bed next to her. Their hands continued to explore each other. Dylan kissed his mother on the neck as he felt her breasts. He sucked on her nipples and she began to sigh and moan with pleasure. He felt her hands on his cock, massaging him to another hard erection.

She turned on her back and pulled him on top of her. He humped her, rubbing his cock against her abdomen. He felt her guide him down, so that the tip of his cock was now closer to the entrance to her wet vagina. Finally he could no longer resist. She spread her legs and he worked his body around to position himself to enter her. They looked at each other as Dylan once again entered the same vagina that had given him life 16 years ago. She reached down and grabbed his ass as he fucked her, pulling him deeper into her.

Dylan watched in amazement as his mother reached a climax. This was his first experience of observing a female having an orgasm and it was a true revelation, even more so since it was his own mother. The woman who always carried herself with such reserve and comportment was now writhing and moaning uncontrollably beneath him.

He felt that his cock was so big as to tear her apart. They both sensed that he was about to come. He did not possess the experience at pacing himself in order to prolong the pleasure of his partner. But Melinda was determined to have at least one more orgasm. She felt him increase the intensity and frequency of his motions as he neared a climax. She timed her own motions with his so that when he made his final thrust deep into her, she was able to release herself into another powerful orgasm, just as he emptied his load of hot come into her.

When they were done, he rested his head face down into the pillow, nestled against her neck. She kissed him softly on the cheek and then whispered into his ear, “You know, you”re quite the little mother-fucker, aren’t you.”

After a few more minutes, he rolled off her and lay next to her on his back. They said nothing for a few minutes, listening to the distant muffled sounds from downstairs as Dave and the kids went about their business.

“What time did Dad say the guests would arrive?” she asked

“Around noon.”

She glanced over at the clock radio. “Eleven twenty,” she noted. “Guess we need to get going.”

“How long will it take to cook me?”

“I don”t know. Couple hours, I guess.” She sat up and looked over at him, still lying on his back. “You know you don”t really have to do this, Dylan. I appreciate the thought and everything. But are sure you”re ready to die today?”

“I”m ready to die, Mom. I’ve never been so sure of anything. When I saw how pleased you were I knew I”d made the right decision.”

She stroked his penis, now lying there limp on his abdomen, sticky with cum. “Well, then we better get going.” The two of them cleaned up and Melinda got dressed. Dylan remained naked as the two of them descended the stairs to rejoin the rest of the family.

Melinda was pleased to see the Dave and the three younger were true to their word and had taken it upon themselves to complete most of the preparations for the party. The only thing that remained was the main course and she asked Dylan to help her with this. She took out assorted vegetables from the refrigerator ” onions, green peppers, potatoes, tomatoes, and celery. Then she and Dylan went to work preparing them ” washing and peeling, slicing and dicing until they had a large bowl of mixed chopped vegetables.

Dave and the kids continued with their chores while Dylan helped his mom. It was indeed a pleasant sight to walk into the kitchen from time to time and see Dylan standing naked next to his mother who was now fully dressed.

“What do you plan to do with this”” Dylan asked, holding the bowl of vegetables.

“Oh, I’ve got special plans for this,” she told him.

By now the guests started to arrive. Melinda and Dylan both greeted them at the front door as they entered. They all knew what the special entree was yet they were still pleasantly surprised to find Dylan standing there naked when they entered the house.

Once the guests had all arrived Dylan spent some time mingling and talking to everyone. He enjoyed sharing his thoughts with everyone, telling them how he felt about being cooked for them. The guests likewise enjoyed talking to Dylan. Most of them had known Dylan since he was a little boy and had watched him develop into an attractive teenager. More than a few people had viewed him as potentially a fine piece of boy meat and were obviously please that they would soon get the chance to taste him.

Dave gave Dylan several glasses of wine to relax him and help take the edge off the pain he would soon endure. After half an hour of mingling with the guests, Melinda told her son that she needed to start cooking him if he was still willing. “I haven”t changed my mind, Mom”” he replied.

Dave had set up a long, sturdy table on the patio near the BBQ. This was to be used solely for preparing Dylan and later for serving him. Melinda had Dylan lie on his back as all the guests gathered around to watch. She brought out her best set of German stainless steel kitchen knives which she had just sharpened that morning. She picked up one with a two inch blade and placed the point against Dylan’s skin just below his sternum.

“I love you Dylan,” she said softly, and then she plunged the knife into his flesh until the blade completely disappeared. Dylan winced in pain. He gritted his teeth and inhaled, but otherwise maintained his composure. Melinda stroked his forehead. “My sweet, sweet boy. I know that hurts, honey. You are such a brave boy for Mommy.” She returned her focus to the knife and began working it downward, slicing Dylan open in a long cut. Dylan again winced, although the pain was not quite as intense as the initial penetration.

At this point, Melinda called her two daughters, Allison and Hannah, to come closer. “You girls might as well see how this is done,” she told them. “Some day you might have a boyfriend or a son of your own that you”ll want to cook.”

“Is this the only way to cook a boy, Mom”” Allison asked.

“Oh, no. There”s all sorts of ways. Oven roasting, spit roasting, stewing.” Melinda continued to cut Dylan open from his chest down across his stomach. She bisected his naval perfectly and continued down his abdominal wall, not stopping until she was just above his penis. Some blood began to drip down his side but it was not extensive. Then Melinda made a second cut, perpendicular to the first and spanning his midsection from the point of each hipbone. The two cuts intersected just above his belly button to form four flaps.

Melinda now went to work quickly. With the dexterity of a surgeon, she opened up Dylan”s abdomen and began to excise his internal organs. The stomach and liver came first, followed by his spleen, kidneys, and pancreas. As each organ was removed, she quickly cauterized it to stem the bleeding. She uncoiled his intestines and removed them. Dylan”s organs were plopped into a plastic garbage pail that Dave had placed nearby. Melinda carefully avoided Dylan”s heart and lungs, leaving these keep him alive as long as possible. She rinsed out the now empty body cavity and wiped it out with paper towels.

Dylan was still alive and for the moment, seemed inured to the pain. Next Melinda took the large bowl of chopped vegetables and emptied them into Dylan”s abdominal cavity. He watched as the vegetables that he had helped her prepare only an hour ago were now placed inside his body. Melinda then completed the preparation by sewing shut the flaps of Dylan”s abdominal wall.

“OK, Dylan. Time to cook now.”

Dylan smiled. “I”m ready, Mom.”

She poured half a bottle of BBQ sauce along the length of his body and spread it evenly with a large basting brush. Dave brought the cooking rack over and placed it on the table next to Dylan. Then Dave and Melinda positioned themselves next to Dylan on the opposite side where the cooking rack lay. They placed their hands under his body and then gently rolled him over so that he ended up laying face down on the cooking rack.

Dave and Melinda each picked up one end of the rack and lifted up their son. They carefully carried him over to the BBQ grill which had now attained its full roasting temperature. They waited a minute to allow the crowed to gather around and watch. Then they lifted up the rack and placed it in its holding brackets on the BBQ. Dylan was now directly over the glowing coals, starting to cook.

Dylan”s three siblings, Allison, Hannah, and Robbie walked up and stood next to the BBQ to watch their older brother. His head was turned so that he could see them and immediately his mind was filled with pleasant thoughts of being eaten by them once he was cooked.

Melinda continued tending to her son, alternately basting him with BBQ sauce and stroking his forehead. When he first started to cook, she would occasionally stroke his forehead, and push his hair back. But eventually, he became too hot to touch, so she was left with basting him/

“So how do you like the BBQ”” Dave asked her.

“It”s wonderful,” she exclaimed. “Look how nicely Dylan is roasting. He”s cooking so evenly, and not burning anywhere.” And as if to demonstrate her point, she prodded Dylan”s body at several points with her large fork.

She emptied the bottle of barbecue sauce on his body and then took large, long-handled basting brush and began to distribute across the entire surface of her son”s body. She paid particular attention to his ass which appeared to be cooking up nicely. She used the brush to swirl the sauce in a circular motion around each butt cheek and into his crack. She worked her way down each leg, culminating at her feet which she made sure were well coated with sauce.

Hannah, her eight year old daughter, was standing close by. “Want to try it, Hannah”” she said, offering her the basting brush. Hannah was at first reluctant, but finally accepted the brush from he mother. “Why don”t you do his feet,” Melinda suggested. Hannah stood at the end of the barbecue, applying sauce on Dylan”s feet from from heel to toe and along the ribbed skin of his arch

Melinda watched him as his breathing slowed and his eyes flickered shut and then she knew her son was dead. Once Dylan had died, Melinda closed the cover to capture the smoke from the hickory chips and flavor Dylan”s meat. She would lift the cover every fifteen minutes or so to check on him and baste him.

By 3:00 pm Melinda decided that Dylan was done to perfection and announced that it was time to eat. She and Dave put on heavy oven mitts, picked up the cooking rack and carried Dylan back to the serving table. He was a sight to behold: his teenage body roasted up golden brown and covered with thick, sweet barbecue sauce.

Melinda took her best carving knife and proceeded to carving up her son, placing slices of his meat on a serving platter. Then she and Dave turned him over on his back. She cut away the twine that was used to sew him shut. By now, the vegetables inside him had cooked and expanded, forcing open his abdominal cavity, once it was freed of its restraints. Steam wafted from his body, accompanied by the succulent aroma of cooked vegetables combined with roasted boy meat.

The guests crowded around, eager for their first taste of Dylan. Dave and Melinda shared the task of serving the vegetables and the meat from their son. Soon everyone was served and it was their turn to enjoy a serving of their son’s roasted flesh. The filed their plates with a variety of choice cuts from Dylan’s ass, thigh, breast, and abdomen. Melinda got the choicest cut of all: Dylan’s meaty cock.

Later, after the guests had departed, Dave and Melinda gathered with their three remaining children around the remnants of Dylan’s body. “Thanks again, you guys,” Melinda said, hugging them all. “This has been the best Mother’s Day ever.”

“Well I think we owe a special thanks to Dylan,” Dave added.

“Yes we do,” Melinda agreed. She walked up to Dylan”s body, still on its back. She bent over and kissed him gently on the lips, tasting the barbecue sauce. “Thank you sweety.”

av Gäst fre 1 apr - 22:15:38

Sinnes.

av Carrion lör 2 apr - 1:20:58

Ja vad ska man säga..?

Är ju inte värre än ett Aristocrats-skämt direkt.

av Karate-Molin lör 2 apr - 7:37:28

Trevlig morgon läsning till kaffet.

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http://metalexiles.friendhood.net/viewtopic.forum?t=848

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